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I'm that beat. And I'm Helen Hong. And every week we take a look at a different occupation that is now jobs elite on our new podcast called, you guessed it, Jobs Elite.

Check it out on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast.

No one wants a repeat of January 6th when a mob of the world's angriest aunts and uncles attacked the Capitol building, and we all watched the riots live on the news that day. But as time goes on, we're finding out that the situation was even crazier than we thought.

Plus, new details Tonight Show just how close the violence got to the vice president and his family as the mob chanted Hang Mike Pence and a makeshift gallows went up. The vice president, his wife and daughter were just seconds away from being spotted. According to The Washington Post, at one point, they were hiding less than a hundred feet from the violent crowd, attacking police officers, journalists and others.

And the chilling search for Speaker Nancy Pelosi is there inside the Senate chamber, Insurrection describes.

And then. While we're here, we might as well let's take a seat before. You know, I used to blame lawmakers for not getting anything done, but now I'm starting to think that maybe it's the Capitol building that jams up Congress because you see this mob, they came in with the goal to overthrow the government. But then once they got and they were like, yeah, let's throw this thing. You know what? Maybe we should vote on something.

I don't know. Let's actually, guys, let's adjourn for the day. We'll come back tomorrow and we couldn't get anything done. And if you didn't believe it before, this is how you really know that Trump's supporters are a cult because they wanted to hang Mike Pence for finally accepting the election results. Mike Pence, people. No one has been more loyal to Trump than Mike Pence. While Trump was screwing America over the last four years, Mike Pence was gently guiding his hips from behind.

Not you calling him a traitor.

Mike Pence. And I know people don't like him, but I, for one, am really glad that this mob didn't hurt Mike Pence because I think we could all agree that no one should have to die a virgin. Now, since that day, the FBI has rounded up over hundred and thirty people so far for taking part in the assault on the Capitol. And if you're wondering how on earth did they find all these people? Well, it turns out it was all on the ground.

The man posing beneath the sign above Nancy Pelosi's office is a firefighter from Florida, Andy Williams. We're all trying to get in to the Capitol to stop this. A corporate lawyer from Dallas, Paul Davis, posted this video and was quickly identified by his boss, Nicholas Rodin, for his work I.D. badge around his neck.

This man posted a selfie smoking a cigarette with the caption hello from the Capitol.

Lowell, the man who put his feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk is 60 year old Richard Barnat, known as Bigo.

That left no doubt says he was. In this fella, Derek Evans, live stream, the moment he and other members of the mob broke into the Capitol and out of the Capitol. No, guys, guys, you can't be serious has really gotten this bad that social media has poisoned us to the point where we're going to live stream our treason. Of how some people were like, this is our seventeen seventy six. Yeah. Guys, you didn't see George Washington crossing the Delaware like I do declare Selfe.

I will say, though, this is an argument for defunding the police because you don't need billions of dollars for detectives when you can find criminals just by scrolling your Instagram Discover page. So after four years, President Trump is spending his last days in power, like many tinpot dictators, convincing his most rabid fans to keep fighting for a lost cause while he hides in a bunker somewhere. But whether you hate Trump or whether you just mildly dislike him, you have to admit a few things about this man.

No. One, he has changed American politics forever. For starters, the red phone in the Oval Office will always call McDonald's instead of the Pentagon. That's not going to change. Also, he's completely dropped the ball for presidential behavior. I mean, in 10 years, a president could be in the middle of a press conference and everyone will just be like, huh? I guess he just had to go. Also, you got to admit that Trump, from the time he ran for president, he's been consistent know the victimhood and the racial resentment that came down that escalator in twenty fifteen.

Well, those are the same that ended up at the Capitol on January 6th. And because Trump has been so consistently bad, because he's been so consistent that being himself, he's exposed how bullshit so many other people are. For instance, Fox News, they spent all of twenty twenty screaming that blue lives matter. The way Fox News defended police during the George Floyd protests, you would have thought that opposing police brutality was the same thing as killing police. But then when their people stormed the Capitol and police at the Capitol were beaten and actually killed, two officers were actually killed.

All of a sudden, Fox News is saying this.

These are not conspiracy theorists motivated just by lies. That's a bunch of nonsense that people want to tell us. These are people that understand first principles. They love freedom and they love free markets. And they see exactly what the anti-American left has done to America.

And so many of them are just patriotic, well loving Americans who are frustrated that their institutions of government, of media have let them down a lot as people not dispossessed.

They're not some creepy androgenous blogger who shows up to burn things down. They're like kind of solid Americans.

I get it now. These people weren't creepy bloggers. They were solid, law abiding Americans. And nobody is allowed to kill cops except for the people who respect cops. They can do whatever they want. Also, where the hell did they love free markets come from? Free markets. I wasn't picking that up when people were smashing windows and breaking the capital down to free markets, free markets are not something that drives a riot. No one's ever slapped someone over a free market before, much less murdered a police officer.

Look, man, the point is, you guys clearly don't care about cops. You only care about the idea of using cops to keep black people in their place. So please miss me with that bullshit. Also, Lindsey Graham, whether you're a liberal or conservative, everyone should agree that this asshole, this Cracker Barrel mascot, is a weasel, the worst weasel of any kind, because after the Capitol was stormed off to the Capitol as stormed and it looked like Trump was done, he gave a big speech about how he was done supporting Trump because Trump took it too far.

He just took things too far out now.

But then the next week, he was suddenly flying on Air Force One again because he realized Trump wasn't out. And then he started blaming the attack on the Democrats.

Senator Lindsey Graham placing blame for the Capitol Hill riot on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Watch this.

What happened on January the 6th was one of the low points in my time in office. It was horrendous to see people come take over the Capitol, the House and the Senate, beat officers, defile the seat of government. Had the hell could that happen? Where was Nancy Pelosi? It's her job to provide capital security.

Yeah. Nancy, why weren't you in your office when people were coming to kidnap or kill you? What were you hiding yourself?

Oh, we got Nancy. We gotcha. What did Lindsey Graham expect Nancy Pelosi to do, huh? Set up booby traps in the Capitol like an old age home alone. Please, please miss me with this bullshit.

And this also goes out to all those Republicans who spent four years backing a president who called his opponents un-American and enemies of the people, but now now that he's getting impeached and might be held accountable. Oh, all of a sudden it's time to move on.

Today is a moment for members of Congress to put aside partisan politicking and place people over power.

We should be focused on bringing the nation together. We must be bigger and better than the most basic of instincts that have been driving our political discourse. It is destroying us.

Let's link arms with one another and begin to heal.

Does not matter if you are liberal, moderate or conservative. All of us must resist the temptation of further polarization. As history shows, unity is not an option. It's a necessity.

OK, I don't know what crazy ass world you people grew up in, but how are you going to start a fight and then tell everyone else to calm down? Can you imagine if a terrorist tried to hijack a plane and then after the marshal tackled him, he says, OK, OK, I think everyone needs to calm down. Let's just come together and watch the rest of crude's. All right, let's do this together.

I'm going to have the chicken think the movie. All these people who try to overthrow the government feel they can miss me with that bullshit, and it's not just FOX, it's not just Republicans, social media companies.

For years, people have been warning you about the violence and conspiracy that you've been amplifying and allowing to spread on your platforms. And for years, you've said you can't do anything about it.

But now that the capital has been ransacked, now all of a sudden it turns out you can now that the violence happened, we're going to do everything we can to stop the violence from happening.

I mean, I don't know if I'm the only one, but I think it's really funny how social media companies said that they don't have a magic button to stop hate online. But then when Trump lost, suddenly they were like, oh, we do have that button. Here it is. So what now? These companies want a cookie for doing the right thing. Too late. Missed me with that bullshit. I will say, though, it was funny that random apps that had nothing to do with Trump also decided to pile on the Trump in like when Spotify and Pinterest banned Donald Trump.

What was that for? What it's part of I think that Trump was going to release a mixtape. What's the printers been for? Is Trump going to put a border wall?

Images on his page, although it would be funny if Spotify was actually the thing that broke Donald Trump's hearts, like if he was just sitting there like, I don't care that they blocked my Twitter or my Instagram or Facebook, I've still got my Spotify.

Look, man, here's the thing. By this time tomorrow, Donald Trump will be out of power. And I just hope I hope that he slowly fades away like one of his tens. And I know that he'll never fully be gone. All right. He's basically the conservative politics. America is going to be experiencing side effects long after he's out of the system. And unfortunately, we're probably going to see mutated strains as well.

But I do hope that with him at least not being president, we can all get back to being a bit more honest with each other and more nuanced in how we talk about what divides us. That's my wish for the next year because I don't know what twenty twenty one is going to bring, but if it involves any bullshit, I kindly request that I've missed. Today, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and McDonald's share price in Florida just went way up because America just got a brand new dad.

Please raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., do solemnly swear. I, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute. That I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States. Office of President of the United States. And will, to the best of my ability, well, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States Constitution of the United States.

So help you God. So help me God. Congratulations, Mr. President. I don't know about you, but this moment will stay in my memory forever. Joe Biden's middle name is Robinett Watt, but that's right.

As of noon Eastern Time today, America welcomed the fresh young face of Joseph R. Biden as its forty sixth president. And despite the pandemic, this inauguration had it all former presidents, the youngest inaugural poet, an amazing singer wearing her own Etsy store, an old man on his way to the post office, and even a lady whose outfit just called me a broken bitch. Biden was so committed to unity that he even invited enemies of the state. No, I'm joking.

I'm joking, guys. I'm joking. Ted Cruz didn't try and overthrow the government. He just supported the people who did. Even Mike Pence attended the inauguration to honor the democratic transition of power. Kudos to Mike Pence. You can see him there with his mosque featuring the vice presidential seal. And as tradition dictates, once Comilla was sworn in, he gave that very same mosque for her to put on it. But before the new president could walk in, the old one had to be kicked out.

There you see Marine One on the lawn of the White House. President Trump still there, but as expected, depart any minute for Andrews Air Force Base and give a final speech before heading tomorrow.

I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart, this has been an incredible four years. We rebuilt the United States military. We created a new force called Space Force, and now the stock market is actually substantially higher than it was at its highest point prior to the pandemic. So it's really you could say we built it twice. I hope they don't raise your taxes. But if they do, I told you so. So just a goodbye.

We love you. We will be back in some form. Have a good life. We will see you soon.

Have a good life. That's not what a departing president is supposed to say. That's what you tell your best friend in high school when she starts dating your ex. I hope you two are very happy together. Have a good life. Obviously, before prom. I told you so, although I do like how he said he'll be back in some form because my man knows you got to leave on a cliffhanger. I'll be back in some form. Maybe I'll come back as a politician, maybe as a mutant fish monster, or maybe I'll come back as one of those old guys with a ponytail.

Stay tuned for Trump's last day in office. Wasn't all just whining and stealing silverware. No, my friends, he also made sure to hand out some very nice parting gifts to all his friends.

President Trump announces more than one hundred and forty pardons and commutations.

The list ranges from the president's political allies to nonviolent drug offenders. Steve Bannon pleaded not guilty to defrauding donors in a fundraising campaign for President Trump's border wall. But before the trial could even get underway, the president gave him a preemptive pardon. Three former Republican congressmen and commuted the sentence of Detroit's former Democratic mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, who was serving time on corruption charges. The president also pardoned rappers Lil Wayne and Chodak Black on their separate federal weapons related offenses.

That's right, people. Donald Trump pardoned a ton of shady people in the last hours of his presidency, which means those fraudsters can get back to defrauding and Steve Bannon can get back to selling music. The weird part, though, was how he kept trying to give prison time to Eric. I'm sorry, Eric. The rule in prison is one in one that is just like the nightclubs.

I'm going to miss you, Eric. Jokes have a good life. Now, what was really crazy is that Trump pardoned Chodak Black and Lil Wayne, which sounds like a good thing. I mean, it's cool to pardon anyone, I guess, but it's a terrible thing to do to a rapper because you're taking away their street cred. Now, what are they going to rap about?

Yeah, young wizzy babe, I can get enough as I get to get a mortgage at a rate, legally buy a gun in all states. Now you see me on the street on my way to jury duty with a booty. That is good.

Honestly, if you ask me, I think it's incredible that Trump didn't pardon himself because it means that even President Trump looked at Donald Trump's record and decided, man, I can't let this guy off that easy. Then again, some people are actually speculating that Trump secretly wrote himself a pardon that he can use later. And honestly, I hope that he did. Because he's Donald Trump, so, you know, he's just going to end up wasting that part on some bullshit.

Mr. Trump, your car is illegally parked in a handicapped spot. You're getting a ticket. Well, now's the perfect time to use my one and only burden.

I'll see you when I come back from my game of golf. Now, Trump is not the first president to issue shady pardons on his way out the door. I mean, Bill Clinton famously pardoned his brother and a really dodgy businessman whose ex-wife donated to Clinton's library. And yes, don't get me wrong. Trump took it to a whole new level, but he's not unique.

If anything, I think he should have gone further. I'm not going to lie. I'm really pissed off that one of the people Trump chose to pardon, he didn't pardon Joe Exotic because I don't know about you, but I want to know I need a second season of that show. I need more Tiger King. Not the only thing I can watch on Netflix is that Bridget Jones show every day. Bridget, I'm falling in love with that Duke. I'm sitting there wondering what our babies would look like if we were a couple, probably like us.

And it wasn't just last minute pardons last night at literally 1:00 in the morning. Donald Trump also did this.

Breaking overnight, President Donald Trump signing an executive order, releasing current and former members of his administration from the terms of their ethics pledge. That pledge, one of Trump's first executive orders back in twenty seventeen when he pledged to drain the swamp. It required Trump's political appointees to agree to the lobbying ban, as well as pledge not to undertake work that would require them to register as a foreign agent after leaving government.

So after all that time talking about how he's going to drain the swamp, the one rule he actually made to reduce corruption he got rid of right before he left office. But let's be real, though. People electing Trump to reduce corruption is like hiring Hilaria Baldwin to handle your PR crisis. The results are going to be no bueno. But on the other hand, I do get why he's doing this. Trump staffers have to become lobbyists. I mean, where else are they going to go with their resumes?

So why do you think you'd be a good employee for a pet's plus? Well, you guys keep pets in cages and we used to keep kids in cages.

OK, we'll be in touch. I'm Robert Evans, host of Behind the Bastards.

And it could happen here. And boy, it does seem to be happening here. I'm going to guess most of the people listening to this are deeply concerned with what they saw happen in Washington, D.C. on January 6th. And I'm here to tell you, it was a fascist insurrection, an attempt by fascists to take over our democracy. And it didn't happen in a historical vacuum. There have been numerous attempts, many of them successful by fascist movements, to take over democracies over the last century in order to protect yourself, in order to protect your family and your very freedom, you need to understand this history in the history of the different antifascist movements that have fought, sometimes successfully, often unsuccessfully, to stop the same things from happening in their own countries.

The knowledge of this history is important, and it's maybe the only thing that can save us.

So if you were as concerned as I am, listened to behind the insurrections on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts, I'm Alec Baldwin.

Listen to my podcast. Here's the thing on I Heart Radio. It's my chance to talk with artists, policy makers and performers like the actress Kristen Bell.

And the moment I said, you know what, I have a thing. And it's a quirky, weird, fun thing that can be snarky and I love doing it. I do it pretty well. Why not lean into it? And that is when I felt like I started becoming happier.

Music legend Mick Fleetwood Fleetwood Mac was always about change so that you were accepted for who you were.

Former governor of Vermont, Howard Dean. I took the call in this quavering voice and the other end of the phone says, I regret to inform you that the governor has died of a heart attack and you're the governor.

That was the end of my medical practice and best selling author Isabel Wilkerson. People have come up to me of all different backgrounds. I would say to me, I had no idea that this happened in our country.

If you like listening as much as I like talking with interesting people, go to here's the thing, Doug, and subscribe now on the I Heart app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.

A coronavirus pandemic, because I know America has begun a new era, but Corona doesn't care about who's president. In fact, it's been exactly one year since we first learned that covid-19 had reached the United States and things have only gotten worse. Yesterday, the country set a new record for coronavirus deaths, and the CDC now predicts that half a million deaths will happen by mid-February, which is going to make for a weird Valentine's Day. And Valentine's Day is already pretty weird, I suppose, by an adult woman, a teddy bear as creepy as hell.

The point is, it's more important than ever to step up on covid safety, which is exactly what the NBA's doing.

Well, after witnessing some opposing players disregarding new league rules against unnecessary contact on game nights. The NBA is now moving team security to midcourt following games to stop the hugging and handshakes that may cause an unwanted spread of covid-19. High fives, hugs and handshakes, along with extended postgame conversations are no longer allowed.

This is so harsh, guys. covid won't even let you shake hands with opponents. Now, that's a hard habit to break because we've all been doing that since we were five years old. You play a game when you line up and you high five. The other team saying good game. Next, they're going to say that what, covid won't let you eat orange slices at half time or drive past the ice cream store because your dad says only winners deserve ice cream.

But look, I get it. You've got to do what you've got to do to stop covid, and who knows, this could even create some excitement after the game.

And here it is, Harden going up for a high five. And this is it. Oh, no. He's rejected. He's rejected by a security guard named Stanley at the same time, though.

Well, this really make a difference. I mean, I'm all for covid safety, but these guys have been sweating and breathing on each other for two hours already, and then they shake hands, just like handing out condoms as people are leaving your orgy. Remember to be safe. Remember those fun guys? Remember, they remember there was no I mean, I'm looking like this just shows how covid has turned the whole world upside down. Players are now getting into trouble for being nice to each other, like, yeah, you better hold me back.

I'm about to hug. Yeah, I respect you. So I will hug you right now. Whoo hoo hoo. Anyway, between the pandemic and all the insanity around the presidential election, they have been all sorts of stories that we just haven't had time to talk about. But they've kind of gotten stuck in my brain. And I thought, well, maybe I could unstick them by sharing them with you.

For instance, here's some big news you might have missed out of Russia, a.k.a. Mean Canada, Vladimir Putin's fiercest critic, Alexei Navalny, who was nearly poisoned to death, returning to Russia and immediately detained a dangerous gamble for one of Vladimir Putin's most vocal critics.

And he was arrested minutes after arriving in Moscow, kissing his wife goodbye. Alexei Navalny has now been detained for at least 30 days, prompting outrage around the world. Navalny nearly died last year after being poisoned with the extremely toxic chemical weapon novikoff. He fell ill on an airplane, blaming the Kremlin for the attack, something they deny.

OK, I don't know what's crazy out here, that this dude went back to the same country that try to kill him or that they arrested him when he got there. Apparently in Russia, it's a felony to not die when they poison you. Why did you do that? You make Putin look like you don't know poison. Well, you do that to Putin. Look, even Navalny is the bravest dude alive or he's just really grown to love the taste of poison.

I mean, I don't know, maybe poison is delicious. It's just that no one ever survives to tell us maybe the most delicious thing in the world. We don't know. Actually, I wouldn't want to try poison, though. But either way, this guy has bigger balls than me. I'm not going to lie because I would not be going back to Russia right now if forget get the poisoning. It's the middle of winter or Putin has to do is delay you.

Right, for five minutes and you're done.

Meanwhile, in tech news, here's a story I really can't stop thinking about involving Bitcoin, the money that lives in space over the last few months, the value of the virtual currency has skyrocketed to insane heights, which is great for people who own it. But it'll never catch up to the market value of my Pokémon cards. That's right, people.

I've been saving up these bad mom.

What are you doing about Pokémon anyway?

One of the big draws of Bitcoin is how secure it is. Unfortunately for one investor, it's turning out to be a little too secure a virtual nightmare for a man with a quarter billion dollars in Bitcoin.

Yes, billion. He's forgotten his password. Stefan Thomas says he's been locked out of his account since twenty twelve. Back then, it wasn't as much of a forger because each of his seven thousand coins was worth about ten bucks in cash. Now, going the going rate, you know how much it is. It's thirty seven grand. What? The man has the password stored on an old hard drive, but he lost the password to that too. And there's only two more tries before he gets locked out.

Wow, what a feel good story in that I feel good that it's not me. This guy can't access a quarter billion dollars because he can't remember his password. Let me tell you something. For a quarter of a billion dollars, I'm hiring people to beat the shit out of me until I do remember. Don't go. Yeah, come on, guys. I know from seven to five. Lower case G. Yes, yes, I remember. And finally from Colombia, an exciting setup for a brand new season of Narcos.

A notorious drug lords exotic pets are now posing an environmental disaster. Pablo Escobar is four hippos escaped after he was killed and are now taking over the marshlands in Colombia. Experts say they are breeding so fast there, there could be more than fifteen hundred in the next couple of years posing a danger to people and wildlife.

They are now saying the so-called cocaine hippos should be shot because, yeah, you go shoot the cocaine hippos who were raised by Pablo Escobar. I'm just going to stay out of the water. And I know some people are going to be like, do you have to shoot those hippos? Why not just round them up and put them in a zoo? No. We're not going to be taking Pablo Escobar as hippos and putting them in a zoo because, you know, three weeks later they're going to escape through a tunnel that they built up from under the cage.

There's going to be a note left behind from the hippo saying no zookeeper alive can hold me.

Yeah, you see, some people would think that the Colombian hippos are going to sound Colombian, but also from Africa. So I like to keep the jokes authentic. I've got to say, though, man over reproduction is the most badass reason to be exterminated. What was the last time you had so much sex that the government had to step in? The good news is there is an easy solution to this problem. Just release some meth. GAYDOS to deal with the cocaine hippo's then to deal with the meth gaiters.

You release the Mully Cobras, then to take out the money cobras, you release the straight edge Tigers. They don't do cocaine because the real thrill is being in control. Here's a question I have, though. I've always wondered this. What's the deal with drug dealers and animals? It's like the higher you go up the ladder, the crazier your pet has to be. The dealer on the corner has a fish tank. The drug lord has hippo's.

I bet that family that invented Oxy has a T rex just chained up in the backyard. Why? You can't you can have gotten more than just fine.

Before we go, as you know, the coronavirus pandemic is as bad as it has ever been. But luckily, our first responders are still out on the front lines saving lives. Now, if you want to help them out, then please consider a donation to first responders first, which offers first class medical and psychological treatment for first responders. If you want to find out, more than all you've got to do is go to the link below. The Daily Show with Cheminova ears, Ed.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central and watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. Ever wonder what kind of job you would have if you were born in a different time? You're in luck because Jobs Elite is a new podcast that just may have an answer for you. I'm Helen Hunt.

And I'm Matt Beith.

Take a spin through workplaces of the past as we scout history's most interesting jobs and every episode from the forgotten jobs of history to obscure occupations that still survive will talk with an expert to answer the burning questions, and you'll discover some of the most fascinating and unusual ways people have made a living through the centuries.

And who knows, maybe you'll find a job you love as a town crier or switchboard operator, a food taster or an MTV veejay.

You can listen to jobs job leads on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.