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It is incredibly disappointing that we are a full year into coronavirus and we still cannot socialize normally, and a lot of people thought that the end was in sight two months ago when the vaccines were approved. But if you've been having a hard time getting a coronavirus vaccine, congratulations again on being basic because it turns out there are millions of Americans in the same boat here in the U.S. injection plans are entangled in red tape, a confusing patchwork of eligibility rules and poor communications.

The country's war against coronavirus waged as 50 separate battles, each state now with its own vaccination strategy.

Local and state officials say the real problem is supply. Governors angry that reserve doses promised by the federal government are unavailable. They were lying.

They don't have any doses held back. Unpredictable allocations are causing delays and confusion across the country at its current pace. California won't vaccinate even half its residents until thinks giving New York's vaccine supply crisis.

That's escalating to the opening sites at Citi Field, at Yankee Stadium, Staten Island and outlets that's now on hold because of the shortage in West Virginia.

Twenty five thousand extra vaccine doses never showed up.

If you can buy a pen on every corner in Los Angeles, you should be able to get a vaccine, frankly, in every gas station.

Yeah, you know what that doctor is one hundred percent, right? Gas stations should offer vaccines and not just for Corona. They should give you a vaccine for everything you pick up from that bathroom key. But I don't know that this is really a surprise, guys. I mean, we should have seen this coming back when potpies ran out of chicken. If America can't handle Sandwich's distribution, what chance do they have with the vaccine? So, look, there was no way that the vaccine rollout was going to go smoothly.

I mean, everything with covid has been a horror movie. Why would the end of the horror movie be any different if a killer spent 90 minutes stabbing people? He's not going to suddenly come out in the final scene. Like I just realized something. What I really need to kill are my insecurities. So the federal government is having trouble getting vaccine doses to the states and states are having trouble getting them to health care providers. But even once vaccines are available, people who need them are having way too hard a time getting to them.

If you have been able to get a covert vaccine, maybe you should go play the Powerball because you are extremely lucky. That's because around the country, people are trying to get the shot and are being met with crashing websites, long lines, canceled appointments and shortages.

In Houston, a call center for making vaccine appointments crashed at one point and received about two hundred and fifty thousand calls for only seven hundred and fifty available slots.

One big concern that making an appointment depends too much on technology. Research shows only 60 percent of those 75 and older use the Internet.

I feel like I'm in a maze with no open doors from Texas to Tennessee to Florida, people waiting in lines for hours for a shot in Daytona, Florida.

Some senior citizens spent the night in their cars.

This is the most insane thing. No porta potties. And there are three people here in the entire line. We're not teenagers.

We're talking about seventy five.

And and seniors know guys, this is unacceptable. The only time a senior citizen should be in a car for nine hours is when they're trying to make a left turn in front of you. And that's it. And I feel bad for a lot of old people because they can't figure out how to make appointments on these complicated websites, which means it's going to be super awkward for some of them because they're going to have to get back in touch with their estranged children.

Hello, my son. I've decided to accept you for who you are. Yeah, I know.

I know. Now, bring your gay laptop over here and help me make a vaccine appointment.

And what makes all of this even more frustrating is while most vaccination sites don't have enough doses, it turns out there are some that have too many wasting valuable vaccine doses. It is a problem that understandably has officials concerned.

In some places across the country, leftover doses have been thrown out, doses they could have been given to anyone wishing to get vaccinated, but not yet eligible to get the shot because they don't fit the demographic criteria.

Health care workers here in Massachusetts were just forced to throw doses out. That's because people aren't showing up for their appointments and the vaccine is going bad.

Regular guy David McMillan randomly got a Moderna shot at a D.C. grocery store when first responders missed their appointment healthy. Twenty six year old was in a Brooklyn clinic for a coronavirus test and was told there was one vaccine dose left for anyone who wanted it. There was no one there. I mean, they were about to close the clinic for the day. It was my arm of the garbage.

This is wild people. You got seventy five year olds waiting overnight in their cars and then you've got twenty six year olds stumbling into a vaccine because. Someone missed their appointment, which, by the way, raises the question, who is missing an appointment for covid vaccine? What else are these people doing? Are there any people out there who are like I mean, sure, I have a vaccine appointment at 3:00 p.m., but I also have this cat birthday party I'm supposed to go to.

So and look, I don't mean to be a hater, but could the scientists not make vaccines that don't go bad this fast? I mean, it's the most advanced technology on Earth, but then at the same time, they age like avocados. Hey, I just cut open an avocado. Would you like some? You know what? Too late. It's rotten now. Now, it may not surprise you that the problems with the vaccine rollout are not affecting everyone equally.

It's a basic fact of life that people with money can too often jump to the head of the line. And it turns out covid vaccines are no different. It's been difficult for a lot of people to get a vaccine because of the shortage in doses. So some are getting desperate, trying to find the vaccine on the black market.

Doctors in Los Angeles are being offered up to twenty five thousand dollars in exchange for early access to the vaccine.

This cybersecurity expert uncovered these ads on the Dark Web covid vaccines available this one four or five hundred dollars, this one a thousand dollars, even offering overnight delivery.

Some wealthy and well-connected people are trying to cut the line. In Florida, officials are investigating reports at a luxury assisted living facility offered in vaccinated its board members and wealthy donors out of turn, since Florida does not require people seeking vaccines to be U.S. citizens or even Florida residents.

It's led to some visitors coming from abroad to get vaccinated. Critics call it vaccine tourism.

There is evidence a dozen wealthy Argentineans travel to Miami to get their shots. One Argentine TV personality posted video on Instagram showing her elderly mother getting vaccinated.

Oh, man. This is not where America wants to be. It's so poorly run that people from other countries are just waltzing in plundering its resources and leaving. Huh. Look so much fun when it happens to you, Senora Beach. Well, look, I'm not surprised that the wealthy are finding a way to game the system. I will say I'm not really sure that these people should be trusting a black market vaccine that they found on the dark web.

Thank you so much. Wait, hold on. Is vaccines supposed to be spelt with a K.. Hey, do you want Makarkin or not? So there's no denying that the vaccine distribution is going badly for a whole host of reasons, but it does not have to be this way because America has a history of mass vaccination programs. And it turns out they've been pretty successful in the past for centuries.

The smallpox virus ravage the globe. So when a new outbreak hit New York in April of nineteen forty seven, city officials launched an urgent offensive, vaccinating more than six million people in less than a month. Vaccination stations were set up in all municipal hospitals and clinics, every police, precinct, station, house and in private factories and offices.

The idea that you could vaccinate six million people in that short period of time is stunning. It's an absolute public health triumph that they were able to do this. They saved thousands of lives at the current time. Probably the government doesn't have the kind of public health infrastructure that they would need to be able to do this.

OK, honestly, guys, that is a little embarrassing. America can barely get its vaccination program off the ground, but in nineteen forty seven, New York managed to vaccinate six million people in a month. And sure, it was easier to vaccinate six million people back then. That wasn't shit else to do. You know, there was radio and like three TV channels. Getting stabbed with a needle was the most exciting thing you could do today. But the point is that America had the infrastructure and the health care system to handle such a huge task, although it was nineteen forty seven.

So that means everything still had cocaine in it. A You want a back seat. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Who needs the vaccine. Everybody got a vaccine. All right. I'm going to go grab more of those sodas that make me happy. And while it might be depressing to see that things are worse now than they were 70 years ago, it also shows you what America is capable of when it rises to the challenge. So, America, I say to you now, let's learn from the past.

In fact, you know what? I'm going to travel back in time to the nineteen forties when things were better with vaccinations and pick up some pointers.

They called me the N-word.

Hey guys. Ben both here and I'm the creator of a crazy little show called Markinson Concern for Comedy Central Digital. And I'm. Christopher Hitchens was the voice of Clarkson, whose name is, well, son, we made this insane show at the studio that makes robot Chicken. Markinson is a mixed media puppet show that follows an overly manly father named Blac, who desperately tries to connect with his overly nerdy son.

He got some really cool people involved just in Royal and Donald Faison, Jane Lynch, Jim Rash, Deborah Baker, Jr..

It's a really fun show that we're really proud of, and it's available right now on Comedy Central's YouTube channel.

So go check it out. By now, everyone knows that there are a few ways to try and avoid catching this disease. You wear a mask, you observe social distancing, and if all else fails, you wash coronavirus so hard that it doesn't want to come near you.

Damn, look at you, Korona. You got so many. It looks like you exfoliate with pizza crust. No, no, no, don't don't cry.

I feel bad. Oh, and of course, another big one. Do not gather in those parties, no matter how important the event is.

A small town in Chile is dealing with the covid outbreak that all began with a celebration for a feline. If authorities say 15 people came down with the virus after a birthday party for a cat, 10 actually attended the party and five others are friends or family members of the cat's owner.

The birthday cat was not infected.

God damn, these people got covid from a cat birthday party. Yo, that's the most embarrassing thing I've ever heard. I don't want my last words on my deathbed to be told, Mr. Whiskas, I had a great time.

This is such a weird story, first of all, because I can't believe someone who would throw a cat birthday party actually has friends. And secondly, cats don't even like parties. When have you ever seen a cat who's like, oh, a room with loud humans in it? I hope one of them strap something on to my head. Meow.

Just because we have a vaccine for the coronavirus doesn't mean it's going away immediately. In fact, right now it's only getting worse.

The urgency of the vaccine effort is even more critical this evening, a race against time as those new and more contagious strains of the virus spread.

covid-19 has been mutating throughout this pandemic. And in recent months, you've had these disturbing variants emerging that have been discovered in the U.K., here in South Africa and Brazil.

Epidemiologists warn with the new variants, even brief interactions like an outdoor chat without a mask or having a cup of coffee indoors can increase your transmission by up to 70 percent.

Authorities still don't know why the new variants are so contagious. So as an extra layer of protection, they recommend wearing two masks.

Who coronavirus is one hell of a competitor? Man, it's like Michael Jordan, you know, it heard we made a vaccine and Corona was like and I took that personally because so far there's three major variants out there and new ones are popping up all the time. Like pretty soon we're going to need a sommelier to tell them apart. Yes. Here we have a twenty twenty one from the foothills of Wales is very strong. If you if you give that a smell, you'll notice that you can't smell.

But because these variants are so much more infectious, authorities are now suggesting that everybody wear two masks. Which I think is a great idea, especially for America, because when experts said where a mosque, half the country was like, hell, no, that's my freedom. So if you tell them to wear two mosques, then people like, will you?

I'm only wearing one mask leotard. And it turns out these new variants are hitting particularly hard right now because a year of restrictions has gotten people tired of that lock down life.

The new covid lockdown in the Netherlands has sparked violent protests that continue tonight. Protesters have fought with police in several Dutch cities setting fires to buildings. Hundreds of arrests have been made since the protests started over the weekend. The lockdown includes a nine p.m. curfew. That's the first in the Netherlands since World War Two.

Our guys, this right here is a bad sign. How are we going to keep the lockdowns going in the rest of the world when the country that invented legal weed is losing its shit? I mean, the Netherlands are supposed to be one of the few countries. Think about it. How often do you hear. Careful, careful. You don't mess with that dude. He's Dutch. The Dutch are super nice. There's so much they named paying for things together after them.

You want to be an asshole or you want to go Dutch. But yeah, of course people hate lockdown's. I mean, even just the name locked down sounds like something you should get mad about. What they really need to do is rebrand Lockdown's, you know, make it more appealing, like call it a nationwide slumber party or extended cozy time or the pretend you're an indoor cat challenge. Of course, lockdown's always a temporary fix. The real solution is going to be getting everybody vaccinated.

And one country is showing everyone else how it's done.

The world's biggest success story right now, Israel. Israel is a relatively small country, but it has administered far more first doses.

Israel continues to lead the world in vaccinations using the American made Pfizer or Moderna vaccines.

Well, in most countries around the world, you have to be part of a year or two to be vaccinated. Israeli clinics have been giving out any remaining doses to the general public after the day's scheduled appointments end for priority patients.

Everything is done through banks. We all get notification where we can receive the vaccination, and it worked very, very well. Wow, well done to Israel on leading the world in vaccinations.

And, you know, it makes sense that they're doing this through people's phones. I mean, there's already an app where you can catch diseases, so why not have one that cures them to? What I don't understand is why can't America have that app, too, huh? Israel doesn't even have to change it. I'll learn Hebrew. Everything's closed. I've got nothing else to do. Now, as important as everyone getting vaccinated is, there's one thing that's even more important, making sure that your vaccine actually works.

Chinese company in says it has confidence in its vaccine that is just being picked up by Indonesia, Brazil and Turkey. But there has been skepticism over the veracity of its stated.

Questions are beginning to arise because Indonesia also conducting its own trials, releasing numbers that put its efficacy at about 70 percent. Brazil's findings for this very same vaccination efficacy down to fifty percent.

Yes, much like an airplane touch screen, China's vaccine only works about 50 percent of the time. No Lion King, Lion King, Lion can play Lion King, play Lion King, play Lion King. I guess I'm watching cats. And I've got to say, guys, I really feel bad for these countries. How could they have guessed that China would make a cheap knockoff of the vaccine?

I mean, what is a person supposed to do with a vaccine that's only fifty percent as effective as the others? Stop standing three feet away from other people, go have half a meal in a restaurant, only hug one of your grandmas. Now, just because China is struggling to manufacture vaccines doesn't mean that they've stopped moving forward with technology, especially when it comes to testing for coronavirus.

China has begun carrying out anal swabs for covid in a controversial move that has received some pushback. A hospital in Beijing carried out the swabs when testing staff at a school. While authorities in some hotspot areas may introduce the measure for people arriving from abroad, they've been doing blood serum tests to determine whether or not people have covered antibodies.

And in some places, including a Beijing hospital, they carried out anal swabs, with the idea being that the presence of the virus in excrement is longer to detect. Then if you do, say, a mouth swab, you know what?

There's a point at which I would rather just have the coronavirus, although I can't say I'm surprised to hear this.

I mean, scientifically speaking, the anus is the nostril of the butt. And the plus side is with testing like this, you might not even need a vaccine. You just tell people, hey, we're not having Lockdown's, but. Every time you leave your apartment, some stranger is going to shove a cutup up your butt, we'll be done with coronavirus in like two weeks. And now there's actually some good pandemic news for a change people cases in the US are dropping steeply for the first time ever, and the Biden administration is purchasing two hundred million more vaccine doses and plans to have the entire country vaccinated by the end of summer, which is so exciting, it means I'll be vaccinated just in time for Apple picking up partying.

I mean, partying at like the coolest orchards. I mean clubs. I go to the clubs, you know, I don't I don't pick apples. And while they are still problems distributing the vaccine, some medical providers are getting creative to make sure that not a single dose goes to waste.

A snowstorm that's snarled traffic in Oregon ended up being a blessing in disguise for drivers who ended up being in the right place at the right time. That is because also stranded in that very same storm was a group of health care workers who had been administering vaccines. The workers had six doses with them and were worried the doses would go bad before they made it back. So they started giving out vaccines to others. Among those who were vaccinated was a sheriff's office employee who had been trying to get to the vaccine site when the storm hit.

OK, now that that's a pretty dope story, imagine being caught in a storm and looking into a covered vaccine that is officially the best thing to happen on a road in Oregon. I mean, normally when you get stuck up, they just die of dysentery. Then you've got to restock. Now, some of the drivers, they just chose not to get vaccinated. And honestly, I get that. I mean, if some stranger in a van offered to give me a shot, I would also say, no, I learned that lesson when I was a kid.

Yeah, you can only fool me so many times, Mr. Berry. You know my uncle. But I do think that there's an important lesson here for everyone. Whenever there's a blizzard, get in your car and drive around until you stumble on someone with extra vaccines. And that, my friends, is Trevor's safety tip of the day. The Daily Show with Cheminova, here's Ed. Once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central, watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom.

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