The five-second rule. First off, when did you discover the five-second rule? Okay, so 2009. This is when you first tried it or discovered it? Oh, it's a total horror show mistake. Okay. Yes. Okay. So, 2009, I was unemployed and feeling like-Are you unemployed? How? Well, okay. Too much charisma, too much passion. Yeah, because everything's working right now. That's why. I'm not I like this when things are not working. Ask my husband of 22 years. Well, what had happened is I had had all these career changes and I got into the media business, again, by mistake. I had a coaching business and Inc. Magazine was writing an article about coaches, and they featured me in it, and CNBC called.

Got it.

That led to me doing some stuff with CNBC. I spent a year still coaching people and then doing some stuff for CNBC, and then Fox called. They were interested in having me host a television show. Now, you got to understand, I'm from North Muskega, Michigan. I mean, the media business, Fox, LA, the closest thing I had ever seen to a celebrity, Lewis, was the Muskegan Lumberjacks, the farm team, right? For the Pittsburgh Penguins. Yeah, the AA team. My dad was the hometown doc for the hockey team there. So I thought, wow, my life Life's about to change. I'm about to be a celebrity. Wow, we're going to solve all. This is amazing. I was originally going to be hosting a show for Fox where we were making over small businesses. Nice. Yeah, pretty cool, right? We show up, we do extreme home makeover for the office. Everybody's happy. We all know that doesn't solve business problems, but it makes for a nice television show. By the time I get to LA, they've changed the format. It's now called Someone's Got to Go, and I'm going to be firing people on national television from jobs. Wow.

That sounds fun.

Horrible.

Oh, my gosh. Plus, we haven't told the offices that this is what we're doing. Oh, my gosh. You show up in Act One, and you've got everybody all like this because you think they're going to get new IKEA furniture and a paint job, and this is going to be the best thing in the world for their small business. Now, meanwhile, I'm a fourth-generation small business owner, so that's like my people. Grew up at a kitchen table with farmers, and my mom at a retail store, and my other grandparents were bakers. When it comes to the heart and and what's so important when you launch your own business and how personal it is. I mean, this was like gut-wrenching. So I show up, the first act, you kick out the owner of the company who then freaks out, then all the employees freak out. Act number two, we announced that somebody's getting fired, and then that's the bad news. The good news is that I'm not picking. We're going to have you vote somebody out. So it's survivor in an office place. Oh my goodness.

That sucks.

When I learn all this, I have a panic attack, even though I'm on Zoloft, and I call the that got me the gig and say, You got to get me out of this. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And he said, Well, I'm sorry, but they've already cast the entire show and you're out there for five weeks and you don't have a choice. They're going to sue you. I said, Then fine, get me some Xanax because I don't think I can get through this thing. This is awful. Luckily, we taped two episodes and legal tabled it. But here was the problem. I was attached to the show, and I only got paid if the show was shooting. So you broke. Being an entrepreneur, I also- Put all your energy into this. Yes, put all my energy into this, shut down the coaching thing, really thought that... It also negotiated a deal that was a back-end deal, thinking I'm an entrepreneur, always thinking about got to have a piece of the action. Take a little less up front. Yes. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that was a dumb move. I was in a contract for a year while they figured out what to do.

So you couldn't do another show. Yeah. I just felt like I had made a huge mistake, and I felt really embarrassed. I didn't know at the age of 41 what I should be doing with my life. While it's neat that I had jumped careers so many times, I started to feel like somebody that actually wasn't successful at all because I didn't have a career track. I had a bunch of jumps from one thing to another. Now, looking back, it makes perfect sense, but standing in the middle of the mess, it just felt like everything was caving in. Probably just like when you were sleeping on your couch, feeling injured and everything I thought that was about to happen happening now. Meanwhile, my husband had opened up a restaurant business. It had been his dream. He worked in high tech and came home one day after getting laid off and said, I'm never going to get on a plane and do a PowerPoint presentation for a company. I don't care about her own. And I said, Great. What's your plan? And he said, I'm going to open a pizza restaurant. And I looked at him and I said, Was there a trust fund that was part of this marriage that I was unaware of?

Because I'm not quite sure how we're going to- Because we're getting the money. Exactly. If someone died, you got an insurance policy check. He said no. I then said the most famous lines of our 22-year marriage, Louis, I looked at him and I said, Listen, buddy, inspiration is for strangers. You get your ass back to that job and you pay the mortgage and you forget the stream. You're not going to do this. Well, because change is scary. We fought and he won. The first one was a real home run. He went to a pizza store? Oh, he did. Yeah, 40 seats right outside Boston, Massachusetts, he and his best friend. They won best of Boston. It was incredible. What do you do when everything's-They make money, though. They did on the first one. So what do you do when everything's working?

Let's do another one.

Let's go all chips in. Let's put in the home equity line. Let's put in the kids' college savings. Let's get Friends and family. Because you're so excited, you think it's going to work. So you go big, big, big. Well, the second one did not work at all. It did not work at all so badly that when it was finally closed, it was close to an $800,000 loss. It meant our entire home equity line, kids' college savings, everything went right down with it. That was right when I lost the Fox show. I'm unemployed. The lean start hitting the house. The phone starts ringing all the time in its collections calls.So you unplug the phone.That would stress me out. Well, you just unplug the phone.Oh my gosh.That's how you deal with that. But I remember two things from that period of my life that were really painful. One was having to call town and tell them that we could not afford the $175 for our sixth grader to play soccer, so we needed to pull her out. And I remember there being times because I was so afraid to look at the checking account that I would stand at the grocery store and items would scan, and I could just feel that wave of anxiety rising, thinking, I don't think the check card is going to go through.

And so I would stand there. I always had an excuse, and it was to look at the person and go, Oh, that's strange. It just worked at the gas station. Oh, my gosh. Because what would have been more empowering is to probably say, Oh, well, I guess I don't have the money for this. Let's take this, this, and this, and just the easiest thing to do is to tell the truth. But I was so filled with shame. So I started to develop this habit of hitting the snooze button because what would happen is the alarm would go off in the morning, and the first thing I would think about is all the problems that we had and how awfully things had gone off the tracks. You didn't want to deal with them? No. And I also didn't know. I didn't think I could. And this goes back to the feelings. You think that you need to feel confident or courageous in order to get started. You don't. You actually just have to start, and that's the riddle of life. That lying in bed hoping that you wake up some morning motivated to change, that's not the answer.

You actually have to learn how to yourself. You have to learn how to leverage the power of your decisions, and you've got to learn how to take action when you don't feel like it. Because every morning when I woke up, I did not feel confident. I felt like a loser. I felt like the world's worst parent. I felt like I had failed at every single turn. I did not know if Chris and I could pull out of this spiral. I did not know if we were going to go bankrupt and lose the house and move from our community. I did not know if our marriage would survive. I knew I wanted it to. And see, this is the knowledge-action gap. You can know what you want, you can know what you should be doing, but how do you make yourself do it when the feelings and the motivation isn't there, when all you got is fear? And so every night, I would lie in bed and I would say to myself, All right, that's it, Mel. Tomorrow, it's the new you. Tomorrow, you're going to wake up and be motivated. You're going to get up, you're going to exercise like everybody says you should.

You're going to meditate. You're going to get those kids on the bus. You're going to screw Fox. You're going to look for a job. You're going to cold call Cox Media, and you're going to do auditions. Come on, girl. Let's go. Let's go. You're going to take a cold shower. Here we go. I meant it when I was saying it. Maybe it was the alcohol that was talking. But then I would wake up and I didn't feel any of those things. So I would hit the snooze, and I would hit the snooze. Now, why was I hitting the snooze? When I knew it wasn't the right decision. I'm going to tell you why. And this is something that I was blown away by when I discovered it. You don't make decisions with your goals. You don't make decisions with your prefrontal cortex. You don't make decisions with logic. Do you know how we make decisions? I didn't invent this. A neuroscientist by the name of Demacio, who does his research in Brazil, who gave an incredible TED Talk and wrote about this forever and ever and ever. We make decisions of feelings. 95% of our decisions are made by how you feel in the moment.

And that is the problem. You need to take control of the moment and leverage the power of your decisions and make them up here. Because when I was lying in bed, I wasn't saying to myself, I should get up because that's going to help me start my day right. I was saying, Do I feel like getting up? No, you don't. No. Do you feel like making that cold call? No, you don't. Do you feel like doing that third set of reps? No, you don't. Do you feel like having that hard conversation? No, you don't. Do you feel like ending this relationship, whether it's in business or in your life, that is sucking you dry? No, you don't. We make decisions based on our feelings, and that is robbing you of joy and opportunity. It is blinding you from the fact that how you change your life is one five-second decision at a time, one push at a time. If you accept the fact that you may never feel ready, and you may never feel motivated, and you may never feel confident, you may never feel courageous, and that's okay, but you can still push yourself forward.

What happens over time is as you start to see yourself becoming the person that takes action, you start to see yourself becoming the person that speaks, even though your voice is shaking, you're the person that has a bias toward moving instead of a bias toward thinking. Guess what happens? You build the skill of confidence and courage. And so what happened for me is I was stuck, Lewis. I I was so stuck. We were heading straight for divorce. We were heading for bankruptcy. I knew I wanted to change things. One night, I see this commercial. This is the stupidest story on the planet, but this is what happened. I see this commercial. Again, I also was drinking too much. I mean, I probably had a couple of Manhattan's in me. It's my drink. I'm from the Midwest, just like you. All right, little Manhattan there, bourbon. There was a rocket ship watching. On a commercial? Yeah. And I had this instinct, this innovation, this disruptive idea, right? Oh, my God, Mel, that's the answer. Tomorrow morning, you're going to launch your ass out of bed like a rocket ship. You're going to move so fast, you can't even think about your problems.

Dumb, right? Totally dumb. It seems like this is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I cannot believe I have this check on my podcast. I understand it. You got to get moving first. Yes. That's You just got to wake up at 6 AM or wherever it is and go into the gym. When you're in the gym, you're going to start moving the first weight, and then you'll start moving the second weight. Actually, people use the five-second rule at the gym because you know how much time people waste at the gym standing around thinking about the next thing? Probably 70% of the time. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The next morning, the alarm goes off, and nothing had changed in my life. I woke up to the lean on the house, the fighting with Chris, the unemployment, the lack of confidence, the lack of courage, the whole thing. But I did something I had never done I went 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, just like NASA. I actually counted. Then I stood up and I was like, What the hell just happened? What? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The next morning, I used it again.

It worked. The next morning, I used it again. It worked. Then I started to notice something. This is one of those things. We have an 11-year-old son who has dyslexia. When they finally diagnosed him, it was as if Of course. It was as if, how could we have possibly missed this? Are we the worst parents in the world? The kid can barely write. He can't cut his food. No wonder he doesn't do team sports. It was right under our nose. What I'm about to tell you is right under everybody's nose. There's a five-second window between the instincts, the shoulds, the urges, the inner wisdom, the things that can change your life if you listen to it. Got a five-second window from the moment you feel that instinct to move. And if you don't, your brain is actually designed to kill it. Five seconds is all you have. The second you hesitate, and you feel yourself hesitating, that is a moment of huge power because what's happened is you've just started to pull back from something that you need to lean into. If you count backwards 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and this is the neuroscience behind why this stupid little trick works, counting is an action.

Counting backwards requires focus. It's also not a habit for you yet. When you feel yourself hesitate, you're triggering your mind that something's up. Like, Louis didn't hesitate when he pulled on his pants. He didn't hesitate when he's drinking his coffee. He didn't hesitate when he walked out the door to the gym, but now he's hesitating to make that call. Your mind now goes into a cognitive bias called the spotlight effect. It magnifies whatever it was that you hesitated doing.The moment.The moment. All of a sudden, you're like, I don't feel like it. I don't know. Maybe I'll do it later. And your mind is doing it because your mind's trying to protect you. Hesitation signals a red flag to your mind that something's up. Just that small hesitation. It's a habit that we all have. Should you hesitate if you're getting a tattoo? Yes. Should you hesitate if you're gambling? Yes. Should you hesitate if you are signing a legal document? Yes. You need your prefrontal cortex for those things. You need to interrupt it, make a decision. Should you hesitate on making a phone call? No. Should you hesitate on speaking up in a meeting?

No. Should you hesitate when you feel yourself starting to procrastinate and you know you got work that you should get done? No, you shouldn't hesitate at all. Should you hesitate in saying the thing that you really feel in your heart? No, you shouldn't. Should you hesitate and edit yourself when you're talking? No, you shouldn't. But we've all trained ourselves to. It's actually this habit of hesitating. You start catching yourself. It's a huge moment of power because you have a decision to make, and you got to make it in the next five seconds. Are you going to go on autopilot and get trapped in your mind? Or are you going to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and awakeen your prefrontal cortex and drive forward? So I started to use this rule as I noticed that every day, all day long, I had these moments of inner wisdom where I would know that I needed to pick up the phone and stop isolating myself. I would know that I needed to call a bunch of media companies and start auditioning for radio show hosting gigs. I knew that I should get out of bed on time. I knew I should stop myself before I snapped at Chris.

Self monitor. I knew I should not let the be the things that was driving me. I started to use the rule all day long. Whenever I felt this, I should do this, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and I would make myself do it. And slowly, five seconds at a time, my entire life started to change. My husband used it in his business, and he and his business partner dove in. They went on to open seven more restaurants. I went on to launch and sell two businesses and get recruited by CNN and join their team. I had a syndicated radio show that ended up winning the Great Racy Award, which is the female media awards for the number one talk show in the country. I never intended to tell anybody about the five-second rule. First of all, because it's stupid. Right. I mean, come on, count backwards. That's the dumbest thing I've heard. That's stupid of me, though. Anything that works, works for me. That's true. You know what I mean? I'll take any stupid thing. That's true. But I also was like, How do you start talking about something like that? I was asked to give a TED Talk Like six years ago.

And Ted, six years ago, not the brand that it was today. They weren't even putting the talks online yet. Really? Yeah, the TEDx talks were not online yet. And so that was the first speech I'd ever given in my life. If you want to see what somebody looks like having a panic attack for 21 minutes straight, watch that speech. I was backstage and it was like one PhD after another going out there. I'm like, what the hell have I gotten myself into this? This is the dumbest thing. And so at the very end, I wasn't even planning on talking about it. I say, oh, by the way, there's this thing I do. That's it. I don't even explain it. You know why I didn't explain it, Louis? I didn't know why it worked. So you didn't have the science, the research, you were just like... Zero. Then something crazy happened. They put that talk online a year later, and people started to write. We've heard from more than 100,000 people in 90 countries that have written to us that are using the rule in ways big and small to change their lives, to change their marriages, to change their thinking patterns, to grow their businesses.

We know of 11 people that have stopped themselves from killing themselves. In the moment, there's a gentleman that we talk about in the book, and you can see his social media posts in London. He was a veteran, and he was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and he boarded a ferry with the intention of jumping overboard. He got to the railing, and he was standing there, and his inner wisdom kicked in. This is another thing I want everybody watching to understand. I don't care what you're facing. Or how low you get. Your inner wisdom is always there. It is. The thing is, is that we often don't listen to it. He's standing there intending to kill himself, and that inner wisdom kicks in, and he remembers the five-second rule. He goes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and he turns and physically moves away from the railing and finds the first person working on the ferry and tells him that he's suicidal. Saved his life.Wow. He saved his life because he listened to the inner wisdom. This is the other thing I love about this rule. It's not something to think about. It's a tool to use.

The part of the problem with a lot of the advice that I've found, for me personally, is that a lot of advice is all about doing mental battle. If I go upstairs, I'm behind enemy lines, and I tend to get hijacked. I love this tool because 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 interrupts those patterns. It actually prompts That's the part of the brain that I need in order to change. It makes changing easier because I've now got my mind working for me instead of against me, and it gets me out of my head. I'm super excited to share this rule with people because I now know not only that it's working, just not for me, it's working for people around the world. In the book, it took me three years to write it. It's all the science behind the It's got more than 150 social media posts in it. You see stories from around the world of people using it to end procrastination, to build confidence, to deepen their relationships, to launch businesses, to explode the sales. Why does it help with sales? I'll tell you why. Because you can't sell by thinking. Selling is about action.

We have groups from companies around the world, sales teams, that put 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 up on the wall. I'm sure they hate me. That's cool. Yes, because Cold calling. It's a momentum thing. If you stop and think, the phone is not getting... The dialing is not happening when you're thinking. If you're thinking about all those nos you've been getting, you're not going to want to do it again because it doesn't feel good. Yes. If you're in the middle of a negotiation or you're in the middle of a really difficult conversation, and again, remember what we said earlier? You cannot control your feelings that rise up, but you can always control how you think and what you do. If you're in the middle of a difficult conversation and you feel those feelings come up that normally trigger you to start editing yourself, or to censor yourself, or to silence yourself, or to think sabotaging thoughts in a business negotiation, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Awaken the prefrontal cortex. Get back in the game.

How do we bring that list into this whole approach? So there was the list. There was the list. There's the five second rule, and then there's that trigger, that positive trigger. How do we put all three of these tools together? Excellent question. So number one, you're going to make a list of everything that triggers you. It could be the time of day, it could be a thought. It could be a certain news headline. It could be a certain thought, worried that maybe your mom or your dad is going to get this or somebody that you love. It could be a thought. A lot of people I've noticed have a lot of thoughts right now about their own health. And so whatever the trigger is that causes you to start to worry, write them all down. So now you know they're coming. Whenever one of them hits your brain, you're drifting down the negative current. Use the five-second rule, count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to anchor yourself back down. Now, on the list of triggers that you have, what you're going to do is you're going to write down either an alternative thought. Hey, I'm not going to worry about that right now.

Right now, I'm safe. If I have to worry about it, I'll worry about it when it happens. Saying it's not going to happen is not a great reframe because most people don't believe that. They're worried it's going to happen. So you're going to write down your. Can I do an example? Yeah, give me an example. Can I do an example with you? Okay, so for example, for me, a worrying thought is, I don't know when my kid's school is going to open again, right? And you're wondering the same thing, when are your kids going to be allowed to go back to college? So that would be one of the things that's worrying us. What would be the the positive vision to that? Okay, so the way The way that I've handled that, and again, you got to figure out what triggers you and what's going to ground you back into the present, is I don't need to know right now. At some point it's going to reopen and they'll go back then. What I've done is I've said in my mind, they're going back in January. And that means that since there's so much uncertainty, you can hack certainty two ways.

One is creating a daily routine that gives you certainty right now because you can count on your routine being predictable and predictability gives you emotional safety. Two, you can create your own milestones based on what you know from the World Health Organization and based on your own critical thinking. Me personally, I don't think there's any coming out of this where I live until mid July, maybe. And I don't think there's any way, given that my daughters go to big universities, that they will be ready this fall. So my mind goes, I'm not even thinking about it because I think it's January 1. And if it happens sooner, fantastic. Now, what I say to my kids is this. I say, look, your whole life changed dramatically in the last six weeks. And school doesn't reopen for another three or four months. The smartest people on the planet are working on this problem. And so if your life can change for the negative in six weeks, it could also change in the positive in the next six weeks. We just don't know. But just feel good knowing the smartest people in the world are all working on the same problem.

And that's a really good thing. Yeah, that's really true. And that gives me so much hope. Just before I was speaking to Steven Kotler, the famous writer and futurist, and he said, never before in the history of science and humanity have we had this many of the world's talent working together to solve one singular problem. Yeah, it's really cool. Okay, now, so we have the list. We have that future vision, whether it's speaking on a particular stage or a kid's going back to school. How do we apply the five-second rule? So when you You feel yourself getting triggered. So think about when you get triggered, you typically feel it in your body first. Is it the pit in your stomach? Is it the heart racing? Is it the hair on end? What is it? Start to identify that, the thoughts that swirl. The second you feel that coming on, we're interrupting that response. Five, four, three, two, one. And then drop in whatever thought you're replacing the worry with. My kids are going to go back in January. I don't need to worry about this. Right. I I like that. I like that. It's so simple, yet so effective.

Well, the reason why is because you're planning this ahead of time. You see what triggers you coming, and then you have a plan to replace it before it escalates and hijacks your ability to think, because the more stressed out you get from worrying, cortisol floods your mind, makes it really, really difficult to engage your prefrontal cortex. It makes it very difficult to focus on anything else. So we want to see it coming. Use the five-second rule to interrupt the automated nature of it and engage your prefrontal cortex before cortisol takes over. And because you have a go-to thought, you'll be able to switch it up immediately. The having the go to thought is critical. Look, I heard from a COVID-19 ICU nurse who's using this same exact method all day long to keep her herself from succumbing to terror and emotional overwhelm. And what triggers her, they have to wear like double and triple layers right now in the ICU COVID units. And so it's super hot and really suffocating because you're so bundled up and nobody can really see your face. And so when she walks into a patient's room and they shut the door behind her, she gets a surge.

I don't know if I can handle this. She has an immediate trigger that I got to run. This is too much. I feel like I'm suffocating. What if I bring this back to my family? She's using 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 all day long to close the window on the terror, take a deep breath and move forward toward the checklist. And that's how she's getting through her day. And it's working because she has a plan knowing it's coming. See, most of us hate our anxiety and our worry and our fear so much that when we feel it coming up, we're like, oh, shit, here it is. Oh, I don't want to feel. And then we get all worked up because we're feeling anxious again, which only makes it worse. So this is a simple three-step plan, list of triggers, five-second roll, and a list of things you're going to think of instead. And now you're equipped to have the emotional resilience and the mental flexibility to switch gears so you can take control. If there's one thing that you want somebody to do as a tactical takeaway, something that started to to stir inside them, what is one step that you would want someone to do who's listening to this, Jenna?

I want them to speak their dream out loud. I want them to share it with just one person so that you can start to share that passion. Because here's the thing, even if they have zero interest or zero knowledge around what that passion is, one, you're inviting them to share what they're passionate about, but two, you, you're letting someone in to the fact that you want to change. And that in and of itself is going to hold you to a level of accountability that will help you to progress and take that first tiny step. Well, let's take it right now. So wherever you're watching this, whether it's Instagram Live, or YouTube, or Facebook, or LinkedIn, wherever this video is appearing right now, I want you to go to the comments, and I want you to write what's What was the question again? What is the spark? What is your passion? What do you want to change? Just share that dream out loud, even if it's so small. Share it out loud. For those of you that are going to write something snarky, get out of here. Seriously, I feel bad for you. If you show up and watch a video like this, and what is there is like some smack talk.

That should make you feel sad for yourself. This conversation is an invitation to take your life seriously, to take your dream seriously, to wipe that resignation, that cynicism, that trauma, that self doubt, that garbage that somebody else put into your nervous system and your brain. Wipe it away for just a second and lean toward what's burning inside you. And then find the courage to write the damn thing down. Get it out of your brain, out of your heart, and into the world, where the world can fan the flame for I'm not kidding. I'm not squiring around here. I'm not sitting here because we just want to talk to you. Jenna and I have a commitment in the world to move you, to take action, to move you through cynicism, to move you to a level of honesty with yourself, as she says, living your truth one answer at a time. And so this is an invitation that I don't see enough of you taking as I look in the comments right now. You're not going to change your life by sitting there thinking about it and listening. You will change your life by getting honest with yourself about how you are really, and then finding the courage to speak that truth, to write that truth, and then allow the world and the people around you and conversations and the magic that's in life to start to fan that ember that you recognize into something incredible.

It's the new year. It's January. As we're recording, this is early January. This episode will come out next week. And there's a lot of people that are setting New Year's resolutions right now. There's a lot of people trying to change their habits. And a lot of people have this idea that all they need to do is get motivated to start, and then they'll be able to achieve their goals. And I know you don't agree with that. So why?

Let me frame it this way. You just said that all these folks are starting the new year, right? And they are setting goals, and they're trying to change habits, and that all they need in order to make this stick is motivation. And here's the thing that I want to say. Number one, there are two kinds of motivation. There is intrinsic, the internal motivation, and extrinsic, the motivation that comes from outside of you. I think, number one, most of us don't understand what type of motivation we're talking about when we say we just need motivation. You see, extrinsic motivation works every time. If I were screaming at you, you'd be very motivated to either get out of the room that I were in or to do what I say and comply. That is extrinsic motivation. If the police are chasing you, you will be motivated to run away from them, most likely. That is extrinsic motivation, right? If you have a child who falls into a swimming pool, you will be motivated motivated to jump into that swimming pool to save them. That is extrinsic motivation. It is an outside event hitting you like a lightning bolt and shocking you into motion, either because you care about something that's happening, like your child in a swimming pool, or you're scared, and so your instinct is to run or freeze, or because you are forced to by somebody like me screaming at you.

So extrinsic motivation works all the time. The trouble that we all get into is that we think that intrinsic internal motivation, the desire and the energy and the effort required to break a habit, to learn a new one, and to create new skills and practice This is the first time in your life that you're going to feel this new skills in your life. The mistake that you are making is thinking that that energy, that desire, and that output is somehow going to magically appear. And I am here to tell you, internal motivation does not exist when you need it. You felt the amount of motivation internally that you're going to feel all year when you wrote down your goals. Okay? You felt the internal motivation. You had the desire. You took the action. You wrote down the goals. Great. But that's not going to get you to change the behavior. And so I want everybody to wake the fuck up and realize that you're not going to feel like doing what you need do to change your life. That if you want to change your life, it requires effort, it requires consistency, and it also requires something most of us don't talk about in the personal development space when it comes to changing habits, and that is fucking compassion for yourself.

You have had the same shitty self-taught for decades. You are not going to change it in one day. You have hit the snooze alarm Every morning for the last 10 years, you are not going to break that habit overnight. You have been feeding your sadness with carbohydrates since you were eight years old. You are not going to break that habit with one healthy meal. One of the most important aspects of changing your life is number one, you got to realize you're always going to need to force yourself, push yourself to do what you don't feel like doing. That's number one. Number two, you're going to have to repeat that over and over and over and over and over again. What the research says is it takes 21 days of consistent effort to break the old pattern, but you need to repeat the 21 days three times in order to have the chemical, neurological, physiological loop lock into your mind, body, and spirit to make it part of your new default wiring. And so you got to understand, we're talking 66 days before it becomes second nature.

And finally, when you have a bad day and you stuff a potato chip in your mouth because you feel sad, or you scream at your kids because you get triggered, or you down an entire bottle of wine when you said you were going to do dry January.

You must practice self-compassion. Because the major mistake that I see people making, Doug, is number one, they're waiting around to feel like it. Number two, the second that they do one bad day or they make one mistake, you chuck all your positive progress out the window and you go back to the way that you always used to do things. And one of the greatest skills ever is to go, Okay, I didn't do what I said I was going to do. I forgive myself. And today, I'm going to do a little better.

That's it.

I want to try to summarize the steps to make sure that it's very clear, not only for me. Forget about you guys. I want to make sure it's clear for me that, first of all, it would be really smart of me to write down a long list of what I want in this next chapter of my life, for real, and the why. And you explain that in the example around legacy. So if what I'm really after is more peace, a hell of a lot more fun, and a greater impact with more ease, I need to unpack what does that actually mean, and get very clear about the why. And I know that the why has to do with more time with family, more time with friends, more time and space to do bigger thinking, instead of racing around being busy. Yeah. The second thing that I got out of this is very radical. And that is when the fear, or the anxiety, or the worry, or the self-doubt, that little... We're going to talk about the negative bitch first before we talk about the whisper. The negative bitch in your head is just your ego trying to protect you.

And so when that anxiety comes up, or I wake up and I feel like that hot lava on my neck, and my thoughts start to swirl, don't try to outrun it. Face the bitch and be like, All right, bitch. Oh, you think I'm going to be lonely in a mountain because I'm lonely and suburbient? You think I'm not going to have any friends there because I don't have friends here. Okay, you think I'm not going to be successful doing it there because I'm not like, okay, okay. And hear it. And then the way that you take the bitch and your flipper into your best friend is you say, what is this trying to warn me? What is this trying to coach me? What are the things that it's saying? Hey, if you're going to go do this, just know that you might feel lonely, and that's okay. So what are you going to do about it? If you're going to go do this, just know that you should probably reach out to friends that are doing podcasts from remote places. If you're going to do this so that you know what steps to take, and it's in taking the steps forward to prepare for plan B so that you got a plan for when that stuff happens that is going to allow you to access the radical confidence, which feels radical in a moment where you're doubting yourself.

And you just keep pushing forward, and you do it over and over and over and over and over again. Because you know what's interesting is you also said this thing about the whisper, that the things that are meant for you and things that are true begin as a whisper. And when you really start to hear the whisper, whether it's, I'm going to sign up for this program, even though it scares me, or I'm going to not I have kids and sit down with my spouse, even though it scares me, or I'm going to make a major life change, and it scares me. As you start to hear the whisper, I think there's a pretty close period of time where that whisper turns into a fucking bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Well, because she's like, Hang on a minute, you're freaking ignoring me. Let me get my megaphone so that you don't.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

And then that last piece is making sure that you understand your belief, why you feel the way you do actually, Mel. Because you even said your parents never moved out of the house that you were born in, correct? Your grandparents never did. So you have a somewhat of, it seems like a belief system that be holding onto the house that maybe your kids were brought up in is something may, and I don't want to speak for you, but maybe something you feel like you should do, or maybe feel like it's something that you saw your parents do, and now you're actually breaking that pattern. And for me, it was the same. My entire... And my literally my grandparents, my mom, everyone ended up basically thinking that I would be this stay at home wife, or I would be a mother. And in order for me to listen to the silence and break that, I had to say, oh, it's because I believe that this was what was going to happen. I never questioned it. So I don't know if you've ever questioned whether the house house that you're in, whether it should be something that you should be in for the rest of your life, or if it was just a belief system you hold on to.

It's just a belief system I hold on to. I know, just like you knew, at some point that was where became the truth for you. Right. I know that it's the truth. And everybody that knows me well is literally like, I thought you would have sold that house years ago, because with the amount of stuff you're doing, it just doesn't make sense for you to live there. And so like somebody else saw it in you.

Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Exactly. And now because- Because when I talk to you and I saw other friends of ours last week because they were visiting Boston, and I was in the beginning of the freaking crest downfall, and it was Joel Maron and Kat.

And Kat looks at me and she's like, Are we really having this You're worried about some place in Vermont, whether you're going to live in an apartment, whether you're going to feel like, You're Mel fucking Robbins.

What the fuck?

And I'm like, You're right. I know how to do that. Why am I? Because I'm human, and because your ego comes in. And because if you keep running, this shit will catch up with you, which is why radical confidence is really about turning and facing it instead of being afraid of it.

And then knowing that the path you choose to take in life will mean that you leave things behind. And that's where the morning piece comes in. It's like, just because you're making a decision that's right for you shouldn't mean that you shouldn't embrace, that you have to mourn the life that you're leaving behind or the life you thought you were going to live. So maybe, Mel for when you had your kids, and I, again, don't know, but maybe you're just like, this is the house I'm going to bring them up in. And you've told yourself year after year after year that that's going to be the house. But now you've changed. Now your goals have changed. Now your life has changed. And now your reassessment And the involvement of that isn't the same with a person who maybe first had those children.

I know what it is. You're giving me another breakthrough. Dude, I need to pay you for this.

No, I'm here for you. You're my bestie. You know that.

I literally feel like you just saved me. No offense to SSRIs, but I'm feeling like I'm back. I'm feeling like the woman that crawled out of the crib this morning and my team had to prop up and be like, Oh, God, Mel is not Mel today. That you have brought me back, woman. This is so weird. You know how thoughts are- Yeah, yeah. Expanding? Yeah. All I do is think about you. You're my favorite on there. Her personality, you go get her. Oh, my gosh. It's amazing. I've been looking at you. I've been doing research on all that stuff, and here you are. It's so crazy. Well, you know why I think that happens? I think that there's something that you're thinking about doing. And I'm a physical sign- Wow. That it's time to cut off with the and the fear and all that stuff. I'm actually sitting at this table. So what is it? Well, I wanted it. I have a real estate license. I haven't even been able to do it because I'm trying to make money. But I want to write a book. I want to write a I love that book so bad.

So what's the book about? I want it to be a great book because I'm a romance person. But I'm thinking child, like children, like E. B. The Flying Dragon. It can be anything you want. So do you want me to give you advice? Sure. Thank you. I can't believe I'm sitting at the table with you. I didn't want to bother you. I thought I saw you on the phone. It's just crazy. Well- That's nuts. I'm sorry. I would imagine that since you follow me, you know that I would be mad at you if you didn't want to bother you. I thought I saw you on the phone. It's just crazy. Well- That's nuts. I'm sorry. I would imagine that since you follow me, you know that I would be mad at you if you Say hello. Yeah, I don't... Every day, but for the past month, at least all on the weekends, every weekend, you're the one I go to. I just... I love you. I'm sorry. I do agree. I love you, too. I love you, too. I think it's amazing. I think it's amazing. It's awesome that you're here. So what I'm going to tell you is that you need to start acting like a published author.

And let me tell you what that means. Every single morning, I want you to sit down and open up a notebook, and I want you to write for just five minutes. That's it. And I want you to write for a hundred days in a row. And I want it to be just the shittiest blop that comes out. I can do that. I can do that. See. Right? Because I want you to get all the garbage out. To turn the airs out. To turn the airs out. To turn the airs out. Once again,. I'll wait till she gets up. So if you... Write or write. The secret to changing yourself and to changing your life is to simply take action every day that's consistent with where you're going, not where you are. What if somebody has so many things, though, that they're trying to I have probably three different jobs. Okay. That's okay. So how do you... So how do you focus on... So just focus on the book if that's the thing I want. Well, here's why I'm telling you to just write for 10 minutes every day. It will help you build the muscle of consistency.

It will help you, by making it really small, just 10 minutes, to act like the person you want to become that has a skill. If you can practice that for 100 days, just five minutes a day, opening up your notebook. You got a notebook right over there. See the notebook right there? You're just going to write for five minutes. Even if it's garbage, even if you, some days, open up the thing and you can't think of a thing. I can't think of anything to say. This is stupid. I hate that I committed to this to Mel Robbins. I want you to do that every day. If you want to supersize it, take a photo and post it on your story and tag me. Mel, it's day 23. Photo of you with your little notebook, okay? If you push yourself every day to write for just five minutes, that's it. And you show up every day consistently. And even if you miss a day, you show up again the next day. You are building a new muscle. And that muscle is the muscle of simple discipline. And if you can do that with simply writing for five minutes, you can then add something about real estate.

Meaning, after you practice for 100 days, if you want to sell real estate, but you're not taking the actions to do it, once you're starting to develop this muscle and you see yourself going, Oh, I can make a promise. I can commit five minutes a day. Once you start to feel that momentum, you can add, I'm going to also add one thing a day about real estate. That's awesome. See, your life goes off the rails by all All those little moments you hesitate, all those little moments you ever think, all those little moments that you feel overwhelmed, because when you start to think or feel all those negative emotions, it triggers you to take no action. So your life goes in the wrong direction by thinking too much, and it's all those little moments where you stop and think that are piling up. You turn your life in a new direction by focusing on small micro actions, just for five minutes a day. It's just small little micro actions. It's not going to feel like anything, but it's going to start to build, and you're going to start to feel a sense of momentum. You're also going to start to feel a sense of pride in yourself because you are doing something you said you would do.

That is the beginning of all change, watching yourself show up for yourself. Okay? Thank you. You're welcome. That is so sweet. Thank you so much. It's just crazy. I'm sorry. Don't doubt this. You said a book. I don't know. This doesn't mean you have to write a book. The book is a vehicle to practice behavior change. When you ever sign, you never sign with me. Well, I was always riddled with anxiety.

I think that me being extroverted or me- I'm there.

I remember now. Anxious. You're excited, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's right. Roberto, better get on that flight. You know what I'm saying? Roberto, you're interrupting our conversation right now. But I love her commitment to getting him on that plane. I think when I was younger, I was outgoing or loud, but terrified inside. It was just like some folks pull back because they're nervous or insecure. There are some people like me who are a little bit louder and go first because I felt like if I went first or I spoke up first, I'd be in control. Okay. Versus sitting back, terrified that I'd get called on or I wouldn't. Then you think about it more. Wow. That was so true. Yeah. Thank you so much. You're welcome. So one of the things that I've struggled with over the course of the past year is how to come to terms with our new reality, our COVID reality, if you will.

And no matter what your living situation is this pandemic has turned our lives upside down in the sense that we no longer have distinctions between certain aspects of our life, such as work, working out, socializing, since it's all happening under one roof and sometimes within one room.

So I would love your advice about how can we not only accept this new reality, but how do we focus on our productivity and our happiness when every day feels like Groundhog Day. So Beca has said the million dollar question, how do you accept this new reality. And that word accept is the single most powerful word that I want you to hold on to whenever you're going through any change that has been forced upon you. And look, there isn't a human being on the planet who didn't have their life turned upside down when the pandemic hit. The secret is when life goes upside down, having the emotional resilience and the self-awareness tools to make sure you don't go upside down with it. So how do you do that when the change is hitting you and you don't like the change? Well, as hard as it is, accepting that this is happening is one of the most powerful things that you can do. It's like surrendering to a situation that is outside of your control because resisting what's happening, bitching about what's happening, complaining about what was happening, wishing it would be different, all of those are forms of resisting, pushing against something, not wanting it to happen.

And when you resist something, it persists. It sticks around by talking and complaining and wishing that it were different and griping about the pandemic. And I'm so You make it bigger. And so a super powerful move is to accept the thing that has happened because lowering your mental resistance creates an expanded level of room for you to then respond to what's happening, okay? And that's where the power is. It's in choosing how you're going to show up and choosing how you're going to respond to this thing. And And so number one, accept. Stop resisting, stop bitching, just accept. Number two, there's this tool that has really helped me through the pandemic in particular. It's also helped me in other moments of my life where there has been something going on that's been incredibly painful, or that's been heartbreaking, or where I've been grieving. And this is a simple mindset tool, and it is Remind yourself that this moment is temporary. Remind yourself that this pain is temporary. Remind yourself that this heartbreak is temporary. Remind yourself that even in the case of grieving, the acute, all-consuming grieving and hurt that you feel in the very beginning over time, that levels out.

And so that acute pain is temporary. And there's a little thing that I want you to steal from me. It It's what we call an environmental trigger. It is a positive way to cause a mindset switch. And this is the one that I've been using during the pandemic because it'd be easy to think about the pandemic every day. It'd be easy to feel like you just can't take it anymore. It'd be easy to allow yourself to slip into a depression or to just throw in the towel on your habits and just really let it go in terms of your attitude and your emotional state. Don't do that. You're stronger than that. Remind yourself, Hey, I didn't choose this, but I can ride this wave, and this wave is temporary. And so I want you to, in order to leverage this environmental trigger, here's what you're going to do. I want you to fast forward a year. Okay, whatever it is that you're facing right now in your life, the divorce that just got announced, the pandemic that you're in the middle of, the grieving that you're feeling. A year from now, all of that pain is going You're going to be in the rear view mirror.

You're going to be stronger, better version of yourself. What is it that you're excited to do a year from now when you're through this moment? And pick something that's realistic that makes you excited. Don't pick the Maldives unless you live next to them. I want you to pick something that you're actually going to do because being realistic is really important. For me, when I think about this pandemic and when I get weary, I say, Well, this is temporary. And when this is in the rear view mirror, I'm going to go here. This is a The image of the State Park in Western Michigan, where I grew up. There's a little lighthouse. We used to climb this stone break wall all the way out to the end when I was little. And when it's really safe to travel, and when my parents have gotten their vaccine, Guess what? I'm going to go home to where I grew up in Western Michigan, and I'm going to go swim in Lake Michigan. And this hangs in my office. And all day long, I glance at it. And when I glance at it, it's a subconscious reminder, a a positive environmental trigger.

It's something in the environment I'm working in that reminds me, Oh, yeah, this is temporary. And here's the final thing about going through a challenge. You've accepted it, so you've stopped resisting it. You're reminding yourself that it's temporary. You are putting an environmental trigger that cues you subconsciously that better days are ahead. And the final thing is, allow yourself to experience some joy right now because you're not going to remember the specifics of this moment in your time, but you're going to remember what it felt like. And even if you're suffering, even if you're going through an enormous challenge, a tremendous loss, even if you're afraid, you can still access joy. You can still step outside and stare at the stars and allow your sofa just a moment to be reminded of the beautiful universe that's around you. You can turn on music, and you can have a dance party in your kitchen, even if you're grieving, you can take time out of your day to take care of yourself.

You can pull yourself into this moment and notice something that you really love.

Like, look at these. You want to see something amazing? Look at these freaking roses. I bought these at the supermarket. Are they not extraordinary? Look at the pink and the green on the edges.

Isn't that fabulous?

That brings me so much... They don't smell like anything, but the sight of them brings me so much joy. And I can tap into that joy on demand when I want to, even when I'm going through a challenge, even when I'm grieving, even when I'm scared. And being able to tap into that joy on demand like that is what will help you build the resilience to stop resisting what's happening, to remind yourself that this is temporary, to print out some environmental trigger, and to stop and smell the roses. I want to talk to you about my favorite phrase when it comes to motivating yourself. I know if you follow You have followed me for a while, you have heard me say this phrase before, but this is so accurate. It's so motivating. Before I tell you what this phrase is, let me ask you, have you You've never had an experience where you were so frustrated with yourself because you knew that there were things that you wanted to start doing, or there were changes that you wanted to make, or things that you wish you could prioritize, and you just couldn't seem. To pull yourself out of the day-to-day grind.

That no matter how much you thought about it or contemplated it or just wanted things to change, that whether it was self-doubts doubt or fear or the demands of your day-to-day life, you just couldn't seem to make traction on changing. I see some of you going, Yeah, I feel like I'm trying constantly and nothing's gaining traction. I feel frustrated all the time because as much as I think about the things that I really want to be doing, I don't see myself making forward progress It's almost like when I was in high school, when I was in high school, I had a gerble named Ralph. Let me tell you about this gerbil. This gerble made me angry, honestly. And the reason why this gerble made me angry is because he was really, really quiet during the day. He would nestle into his little shredded thing in the corner, and he never was that social or interested when I was walking into the room. And I'll tell you what, the second, the second that I would turn off the lights in my bedroom to go to sleep, that freaking gerble would get on that wheel and just.

And do you ever have a pet like that? Very nocturnal. We currently have a cat, Mr. Noodle. I see somebody going, Until midnight. Oh, my gosh. And when I get into those modes where there's something that I really want to do, I feel this friction and this frustration with myself because I know that I'm not as as happy as I could be. I know that there's a change I need to make. I know that I'm focused on the wrong stuff. I know that my emotions are getting the best of me. I often feel like my mind is my gerble Ralph on the hamster wheel, just spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning that you want, and you can just reach it, but you don't have that sensation that you're actually grabbing it. I'm so glad that so many of you relate to this because I've been thinking about this a lot. Now I am, of course, overheating, so I'm going to take off my sweater. That's what happens when you're 53. I think about this a lot because I see even people that I love struggling with this. We I have a daughter who is a singer-songwriter studying pop music out at USC.

She's got all the talent, all the resources, all the skills, and there's always something that is stopping her from just starting to put music out, right? Or maybe you can relate to that in health. You really are like, This is the year. This is the year. For me, I keep thinking, I got to take some time to get the hormone thing. Just understand it. Like, what food should I even be eating? I think about it like that hamster on the wheel, but I can't seem to make myself launch forward. Another example I can give you is for years, everybody, I dreamt of launching a podcast. I would watch all these people that I admire out in the world launching a podcast, and I would just spin and spin and spin and spin and spin. I'm so glad that you can relate to this. Tell me, is there some project or some area of your life or a business or a goal or some change that you want to make that you feel like you think about all the time, but you just can't seem to push through all of that thinking or push through the fatigue or the overwhelm or how do I get started, right?

You can't seem to just push through. Is there some area of your life where you feel that way? If so, I want you to write it in the comments, okay? I see I want to work with animals. I see somebody going, Oh, my gosh, I keep thinking about doing a TikTok account. Oh, I want to get control of my addiction. Oh, I want to launch a business. Oh, I really want to get a degree, but I feel like it's too late. You may be telling yourself that things just feel like it's too late, Mel. Like, I got a divorce, and now it feels like my life is frozen. I see some of you saying. I feel like ever since I got the divorce, or the pandemic hit, or I lost the job, or I took the wrong job, or I moved to the wrong place, or I realized that I wanted to start this thing, and I started it, but now it's stalled out, and I'm embarrassed to keep starting. I want to finish my PhD. I want to be persistent with the gym. I want to get back to creating art. I see all this stuff that you all are writing down.

It's beautiful. I see so many of you saying that you have a little side hustle and you know that you want to turn your attention towards it, but you just can't seem to literally push through whatever it is, the fear, the overwhelm, the busyness of your life, to laser focus on what really matters to you. I think that's why it's so painful, because you're not going to stop really wanting and longing for those things that you keep thinking about everybody. They're going to linger for the rest of your life. You're going to have to, at some point, make a decision that it is important enough to you to make changes so that the thing that you want to see happen or the life that you don't want to miss out on or the degree that you always longed to get, or the way that you want to feel in your body or the energy. For me, a big theme recently has been about loneliness. I am so lonely in my personal life because of the pandemic, because our kids have launched, because we're moving to Vermont, because I'm always working. I can see very clearly that I have I've tried to solve loneliness in my personal life by working all the time.

That's not the right solution for loneliness. I even see all this. I'm glad that you can see an area of your life where you feel this friction and tension because you know that you want to focus more time and energy there. But there's so much resistance, and there's so much friction, and there's so much else going on that it is robbing you of the ability to push forward toward the life that you really want to be living. And look, it's not going to happen overnight. But so let me tell you, let me tell you, this sentence, this truth about life that I truly love, that always kicks me in the rear end, honestly. And here it is. No one is coming. That's it. No one's coming. No one is going to come into your life and do the work for you. No one is going to come into your life and just remove your problems. No one is going to come into your life and make your dreams come true. When it comes to the changes that you want to make, when it comes to the things that you long for in your heart, when it comes to the music that you want to put out into the world, or the TikTok account that you want to create, or the degree that you want to get, or the life you want to build after divorce, or after your partner dies, or or after you change jobs, or after the kids launch.

When it comes to those things that you deeply long for, deserve, and desire, no one's coming. You are not too late. If you're breathing, you're watching this video, you have plenty of time to create a life that makes you happy, to create a life that is full of meaning for you, whatever that means. You have plenty of time to take control, to heal, It is so important for you to hear that, that you have plenty of time. But no one's coming. At some point, you have to make a decision. You'll often hear me say you're one decision away from a different life, a better life. But you have to make the decision. No one's coming to make the decision for you. You have to decide that you are done feeling beaten up. You're done feeling lost. You're You're done feeling stuck. You're done feeling isolated. That all that crap that you've been enduring, you're freaking done. You have to decide that. And what's interesting is that once you decide, you I realized no one's coming. I often joke that I'm not the expert that really learns this stuff by reading it in a book. Unfortunately, I'm a stubborn learner.

So my life has required me to either fall into a hole or dig one for myself. Then I wallow at the bottom of the hole, feeling sorry for myself and stuck and frustrated and angry. Then I realize, Oh my God, nobody's coming. If I want to get out of this hole that I'm in, emotionally, financially, health-wise, in my career, whatever the hole may be, I got to build a ladder. And it's that decision. I'm not staying here. I don't know where I'm going, but it's not here. It's that decision, the decision that no No one's coming to do this for me. I'm deciding that I want more. I'm deciding that these last two years where I felt like I got thrown into a dryer and life just tumbled me around, and all of a sudden the dryer stopped and I'm in there, covered in lint and beaten up and staticky. We got to kick the door open, people. We got to make a decision that all that crap that you just struggled through and that you learned through, that it happened so that you could wake up and you could literally make a decision that the next freaking chapter of your life, you're not going to be unhappy.

You're not going to just get by. You are going to make a decision that you are going to do the work to change. And here's what's fascinating. Once you decide, that's it. That's it. I'm changing. That's it. I'm going to do the work, whatever it takes. I made a decision that our kids have left this house that we've raised them in. I'm here alone all the time working. I'm like, I'm miserable. I got to change. I can't just hold on and grip to what I know, especially if it's making me I'm happy. And here's the thing, letting go, deciding that it's time for a change, that's a lot easier than gripping onto stuff that's no longer meant to you. And so when you make a decision, I see so many of you going, My life fell apart after divorce. My life blows because of my job. My life has been in stuck mode ever since this person I love died or my life is just boring and I miss having fun. When you have that wake up moment and you're like, Oh my God, nobody's going to come and do this for me. No friends are showing up to bring the party bus.

If I want to have my life feel like a party bus, I got to be the one that actually is driving it. You know what I'm saying? Here's the cool thing. No one's coming. Once you make that decision, here's the cool thing. Everybody shows up when you ask for help. Everybody shows up when you ask for help. Do not try to change on your own. I tried that for so long. Yes, it's your responsibility. Yes, you need to do the work, but don't do it on your own. Do not do that. I I just got a text about 11 minutes ago from a really good friend of mine. I'm not going to say who my friend is because many of you probably know who this person is because she has a large social media following, and she's absolutely amazing. She reached out to me sheepishly, and she said, A couple of people have been asking me if I would speak at a big event. I know nothing about this. I'm scared to do it. But I've decided that this is something I want to try. Now, she made a decision that this is something she wants to walk toward, even though she's scared.

Did you notice what she did? She didn't try to figure it out on her own. She reached out to me to ask for help. Now, I'm going to coach her. I'm going to tell her everything I know. I have been the most booked female speaker in the world for years. I am one of the most successful, motivational speakers on the corporate circuit ever on the planet, male or female. There are so many mistakes I made, trying to do it on my own. When I think about how much I have learned about things like speaking or podcasting or even my marriage or raising kids. The mistake that I make when I try to do it on my own, holy cow. Talk about headache and heartache. She's so smart. She made a decision to walk towards something she wants, but that she's afraid of. And then she asked for help. Because the secret is once you know that you don't want to be where you are, that's all you need to know in order to change your life. I don't know where I'm going. I just don't know what... I don't want to stay here. That's a starting spot.

That's perfect. That means you started. That's the first rung of the ladder. I'm not staying where I am. The next run is literally figure out what people who have have what you want, whether it's just people are happy or what are they doing that you're not doing? There's a little bit of the map. And then you got to ask for help. And so I can think of times in my life Where I have been trying to do something new, whether it's fix an issue in my marriage. I don't do that on my own. Are you kidding me? My husband and I, we go to a marriage therapist and ask for help. We talk to very close friends of ours about what's going on and ask for help. When I get serious about wanting to make a change, it's the new Mel Robbins. Mel Robbins, for the first 45 years, I would try to do it in secret. I would try to figure it out on my own. I was embarrassed to tell people that I needed structure and accountability, and I needed to be told what to do, and I needed somebody to bring some energy.

I don't do that anymore. That's one of the reasons my success has skyrocketed. And it's what I'm also doing with now the other areas of my life: happiness, balance, ease, a better business model. I'm freaking asking for help. I'm surrounding myself with people that bring the energy and bring the accountability and bring the structure. And that's exactly what my friend did by texting me, Hey, I know this person that's ahead on the path. Now that I know and I've taken the steps, I'm asking her to give me advice to tell me what to do. And so while no one's coming, which I hope is a freaking wake-up call for you, I hope that's exactly what you needed to hear right now. In fact, tell me in the comments, what does no one's coming mean to you? And don't be snarky and sexual about it. I know I went viral on TikTok because some kids made fun of me for saying that. But seriously, what does that mean when you think about your dreams, or you think about your life, or you think about what you want that no one is going to come in here and do this work for you, that no one is going to heal you, no one is going to do what you need to do to have the breakthrough that you need in order to create the life that I do not want you to miss out on.

So once you make that decision that you are literally done with where you are, that you are going to do the work, well, Well, now I'm here. I have to tell you, I want to help you. I want to be your coach. I'm just going to ask. I want to be your coach. If you have ever thought, wow, how cool would it be to have Mel Robbins as my coach? This is actually the only opportunity you're going to get in 2022. I have decided, after reading your DMs and after reading your emails, and after seeing what you have gone through through this pandemic, I'm so proud of you. And guess what? It's time to freaking launch. It's time to launch forward. It's time to shake off the negativity, the sadness, the stuckness, the isolation, and it's time to take control of your life. And that's why, it's Mel. Thank you so much for checking this video out. And if you like this one, I have a feeling you're going to like this one, too. I'll see you there.