Transcript of Dr- Gabor Mat on How to Reframe a Challenging Moment and Feel Empowered The Tim Ferriss Show
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One of the a bit of an exercise. Sure, I'll get in and, you know, if you don't like it, just tell me, when was the last? This is something I do in my groups or when I speak or in the song I teach. So, yes, I ask people to tell me some recent episode when they're upset with somebody with their lives and something that they're open to sharing. So it doesn't have anything sordid or a thing, but just sent out.

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Whether it's your spouse, partner or the bus driver, I don't care. Sure. A friend. Okay. So I used to with anything. I can share anything. Were you upset with somebody? OK. Yes. OK. So what happened?

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Describe it. What happened? Yeah. All right.

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There were a number of issues in my home, broken aspects of the home, things that were falling apart or needed to be fixed physically. Physically. Yeah, right. And I had hired someone to do these things right. While I was gone. Okay. And I came back and none of them were fixed. Okay. And your emotional reaction was anger, rage, anger. Okay. Anything else besides anger? I think they're close cousins. Frustration, frustration, frustration is anger.

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He was disappointed. Disappointed, his sadness. Yeah, it's a different feeling. Disappointed in myself also because I start to look at how maybe more disappointed is not so much an emotion.

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There's a state of mind. I'm asking what the emotions were like. What's inside disappointment. Something didn't happen. I want it to happen. How do I feel? There's no sadness there. Sure, yeah, there's sadness. Not talk you into it. I'm just asking. Well, Diaby, I suppose, um, I might be confusing state of mind and states of mind and emotions.

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I'm not sure how to look at the raw emotion. Yeah. Sadness.

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So there's anger and sadness. Those are the emotions. Let's let's go with that. Okay. So I'm gonna ask you a silly question. What we've said and angry about. Well, I suppose the answer, which is not the right answer I'm expecting was as angry that someone had made commitments to me and not fulfilled those commitments.

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We'll go with that. That's what happened. They made the commitment then a firm. But that doesn't tell me what you were said or angry. What does that mean that they didn't fulfill their commitments, meant that they didn't care about? Me, they have that, they respect me. They don't care about you and respect you. What kind of person doesn't get cared or respected? I might need a lifeline here. I don't know someone who doesn't deserve to be cared for.

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Respected. Exactly. Somebody unworthy. I sure will respect then and care. OK. No. If two other people here, which there usually are when I do this exercise, I would ask them, OK. We just listened to Tim. Tell us about this experience. Are there other reasons why this other person might not have done the work? That has nothing to do with him or her not caring about Tim or not respecting him.

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So what other reasons might there be a million in one? Name one. Yeah. He could have. He could be in the hospital. He could've been hurt or cared.

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One could have been in a car accident. Exactly. He had a flight delaying a court on Puerto Rico during a hurricane.

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Yeah. He's got ADHD. Yeah. He and he can't follow through. He's under stress and he couldn't.

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Right. Okay. Okay. You know, the e-mail that I'm supposed to send is sitting in drafts and I thought I'd sent it. But in fact, he never received it. I mean. Okay.

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And any number of possibilities. No, no.

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Of all the possibilities that you've just outlined, including that they don't care about you. I respect you. Which is the worst one.

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The one I immediately defaulted to. Right.

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Well, I mean, the worst thing is that it's it's bad. No. But internally. Yeah, internally the worst assumption is the one that I immediately made.

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So let's notice something. A U I should say we because we're all like this. We don't respond to what happens. We respond to our perception of what happens. Right. Okay. So the Buddha said it's with our minds. We create the world so that if you'd funded the ADHD or he was stressed. You know, you might have been sad for him, but he would not have been angry and you would not have been said, okay. You might.

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You know. So, first of all, we don't respond to what happens or respond to our perception of what happens to our interpretation of. Number one. Number two, of all the possible interpretations we choose the worst one.

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Number two. Thirdly, what I just said isn't true. We didn't choose it. It's not like you went through all these possibilities.

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And you said, was it multiple choice? I chose option doyouknow. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't respect. And you didn't do that. Your brain jump there automatically. Right. My question is why?

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Here's the learning. First time in your life that you felt hurt and angry that you when you perceived someone didn't care about you or didn't respect you. Or has it happened before?

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This is where the exercise might, might, might go sideways. I'm going to hit pause on that. I think that's probably for more of a conversation over one. But you've probably agreed it's not the first time is not the first time. Very good. And most people I talked to.

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It goes back, way back. Yeah. This goes way back then into childhood. Mm hmm. Okay. And that's what trauma is. We don't respond to the present moment. They respond to the past. Now, but along the lines of our discussion, it's a beautiful learning opportunity. Now you get to know now what if you assumed for a moment that you're the most lovable, most worthy of care, most worthy of respect person in the history of the universe?

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And this guy doesn't do your home. What's your response? Any number of the other options, which does not trigger an intense negative emotional sting. All those other options would trigger that. So something in-use, I would argue still believes that you are not worthy of care and respect.

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And that's what gets triggered.

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So who's the one that doesn't care about you and who's the one that doesn't think you're worthy of respect? No.

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You know, that's a learning notice. And this is exactly what you're talking about. You see how these difficult things, how these problems are always teaching opportunities. And that's the beauty of healing, is that when you reframe things and you and you actually see the source within ourselves, all of a sudden, that's liberating because guess what? If you're feeling that way, because this guy did this or didn't do that, that makes you a victim. Yeah, but if you see that you are the source, you know, you're powerful.